you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
