he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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