after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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