Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize