I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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