last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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