He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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