I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
