I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
