Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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