I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize