I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
