Four minutes until I can fart!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
