she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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