this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
