Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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