Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
