based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
