Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
