I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
