Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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