i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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