Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Can Purell be used as lube?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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