I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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