you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
