pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
then he tried to convert me to islam
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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