Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
