Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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