xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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