so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
