if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
