I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
