did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
