I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
