I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
