I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
