Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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