I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize