I am puke
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
