Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
