I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
