Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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