remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
