I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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