I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
