Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
