Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
