Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
