Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
