to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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