Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize