i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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