I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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