my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
