somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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