My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
wow bdsm is so cute
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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