I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
