he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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