It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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