i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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