I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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