well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
