if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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