What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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