I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Why is your signature on my underwear?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
