I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
