That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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