i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
