Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Are we still banned from the library?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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