just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
