thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
