im drinking this country out of the recession.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
